me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
