Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
You Might Also Like
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Cause of death: Zumba
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
waiting for halloween be like:
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them