Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Feel. He’s so soft.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.