Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

buying dead houseplants to save time

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Couple goals

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either