Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.