Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.