[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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Sunday
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD