[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
dogs can find happiness so easily
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.