Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

they should invent a rest for the wicked

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.