Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Oh deer

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

wow