[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.