Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.