[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today