Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

A customer told me they were never coming back….

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

🤣🤣🤣

i love modern commerce

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma