Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

They must have gotten it to go.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.