Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Thrilling chase underway
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.