Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.