Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British