Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Care for your back

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!