Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Every time.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Bless you
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.