[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.