[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Lmao 😁
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!