Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Is this anything
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
