Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.