Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Always…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
constantly working on myself.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.