Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work