*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)