Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

they split up moments later

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

WHY would you be happy about this?

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

i feel so bad i refunded him

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*