Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

I feel seen.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster