me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se