me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.