me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.