Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I think the cat got the dog high.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

blocked.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.