Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.