Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

😂

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand