Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

this made my day 😂

ㅤ

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!