*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
This is what makes twitter great
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
How to make infinite energy.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers