*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
the best thing i’ve ever made
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.