me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me when I hear gossip
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!