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@BoogTweets: Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
@_youhadonejob1: Go, Brian.
@BarebakAssassin: Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.
@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
@hell_homer: btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search "scrotum" because people only post pictures using a medical name if there's something wrong
@spark_asis: I don't get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
"your honor, I'd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry."