me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I didn’t know they can drive…
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.