me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I can’t wait!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops