me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second


remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons


My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.


“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”


I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary


If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.


Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.


FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean


Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..