@TideStreams

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

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@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

@Mattmateee

remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons

@WheelTod

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@hexprax

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@Maxine12333

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

@50FirstTates

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..