me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.