@TideStreams

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

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@iwearaonesie

complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@Samzen_

All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.

@N0pantz

Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

@TheCatWhisprer

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday