me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
this could fix me
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table