me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.