[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese