[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
the short answer to this question
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Breaking news:
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
A short story of betrayal:
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait