Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers