me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Just a phase…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.