me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Banana is the quietest snack
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Looking at you, Jesus.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure