Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar