[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
That’s what I call a flat tire
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.