[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You Might Also Like
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.