[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”


9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.


Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.


I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.


Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond


ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.


How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?


Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake


If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day