@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

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@justokdane

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@HepatitisAtoZ

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@samhithere

“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”

@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

@climaxximus

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs