@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

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@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@KevinFarzad

ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@briangaar

Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake

@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day