me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.
Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“Body of Christ.”
“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs