Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me checking my bank balance online.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
