Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
You Might Also Like
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
translated into Canadian
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is