Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
👍
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My friend is an excellent librarian.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.