Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store