me at the job i begged god for
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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.