me at the job i begged god for
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me when i see my girls butt
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
this is the news I live for
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.