me at the job i begged god for
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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes