me at the job i begged god for
You Might Also Like
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
realest tweet ever.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.