Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
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being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*