Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.