Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
genius
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.