Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.