Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn鈥檛 know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel鈥檚 jar.
Sorry, can鈥檛. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There鈥檚 no coming back from that.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don鈥檛 go outside it鈥檚 too cold
Me: I鈥檓 not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that鈥檚 Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Why do people say I鈥檓 washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 馃馃
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: I鈥檝e decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That鈥檚 not how communion works
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I鈥檇 be Michelangelo
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
This is sending me to another galaxy