Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
that lip filler tho
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No