Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

WTF IS AN ACRONYM