Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.