“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Worth a try
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-