Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
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Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
