Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me