Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]