Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
About to form my very first opinion
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.