Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
uh oh
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin